Poor Sport

I am sick of myself for complaining about this so much. Here I am pregnant again after a devastating loss in September, 2005. Many women go through high risk pregnancies, and many, many have it much worse than me. I mean, I have prognosis that says I will be up and around, at least minimally, at some point. I have friends who are struggling with all sorts of issues, infertility being a big one that we haven't suffered. There are people whose bedrest is waaay more constricted. I know we haven't had things easy in terms of this stuff. No, I would never wish what we went through with losing the girls on anyone, but, you know, all and all we should have a baby at the end of this.

After our loss I just kept on saying "if only I could get pregnant again" as if that would somehow solve our problems. Of course, it doesn't. We still are grieving our girls, and goddamn it, I am not being graceful about the sit-on-yer-butt-all-day thing!! My point is that you would think I would be grateful for this pregnancy (I am! I swear!) And that knowing that 6 months of a lifestyle change is a small, time limited price to pay for having a healthy baby. But, after ONE DAY of feeling better, I was in tears again last night. I get through the day alright. But then evening comes, and it is a like a whole day again until bedtime. At that point, my butt is sore and my mood is black.

I woke up today with new energy, and what do you know, I had a little spotting again. The spotting is also upsetting because not only does it mean a few more days until I can possibly do anything, but it is also kind of worrisome for me. My doc said I could have another week of it, and she wasn’t concerned, but try losing a pregnancy at nearly half way through and then bleed everyday for a few weeks AFTER getting through the first trimester. It's a little anxiety provoking. So now I sit on my butt, worry, get bored, worry and act like a grump. I am even sick of myself!