Hallelujah

The doctor says I am allowed "two outings a week." I am soooo so so sooooo so soooo excited. I am making my husband take me to dinner tonight! I can't believe I will get to interact with people in the outside world! I hope I am not some creepy overfriendly desperate looking woman grinning stupidly at strangers just because I am so happy they exist if only to prove to me I am not at home. Yay!

My next thought is that I wonder if I'll ever be able to really enjoy this pregnancy. I was on the phone with a friend who is about a month ahead of me with her first pregnancy. She made jokes about "eating for two" and talked about how she loved being pregnant and loved walking around and loved rubbing and talking to her belly. I felt like, yeah, I remember that. But, now, I guess we just know too much about what can go wrong. My husband and I have a very "week by week" take on things, and qualify every statement about the future with a "if this works out" type phrase. I feel like the thrill is gone, it’s a means to an end. That said, I am totally attached and would be devastated beyond belief if we lost this pregnancy. So what good does all of the qualifications and knowing all the bad things do anyway? Nothing good, I’m sure. I wish I could just rub the belly and feel joy like my friend. Oh well. We'll have to save our big joy for the back end and continue to hold our breath for now.