I Left My Heart....

I will admit that the weather was not really so bad, and that despite purchasing a snowsuit at REI, the boy had little reason to wear it. Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving, it was practically San Fransiscan weather it was so warm. We had lovely walks in Central Park, and I even wore my "must-be-with-me-at-all-times-because-a foggy-day-will-turn-blindingly-sunny-at-any-moment" sunglasses. These sunglasses are very stylish, but never cost more than 13 dollars since they are reincarnated at least once a month. I have a very bad habit of losing everything that is not attached to me. In fact, in my high-school yearbook the "where will they be 20 years later" section said I would be "looking for her wallet."

I can often be found waxing nostalgic about NYC. Despite growing up in the suburbs (which for some reason when talking to a "real" New Yorker, feels more shameful than say, growing up in Omaha. For some reason 20 miles a way gets you much less credibility than 1000 miles a way), I lived in the city for a few years. It started with a summer in college. After college I lived in the NorthWest for 3 years, but then decided to move back closer to my family and attend graduate school in NY. 3 years of living in Manhattan and Brooklyn and it was time to try the West coast again, this time with my now husband. That was 2002. I have more or less been in California since, with frequent visits to NY several times a year to see family and friends. So. The husband’s entire family lives in Manhattan. Husband grew up there. My mom is still in the (gasp) suburbs. I have 3 brothers in and around the city.

These factors often contribute to my wondering why we live thousands of miles from home--especially now, with the new guy. I am often heard talking to the husband about how, with Brooklyn, we could have a lifestyle that is okay and all the help of the various grandparents. Quinn would be close to his multiple cousins and NY is so great!

We hadn’t been back for a long time. We were back a year ago, June, for my father’s funeral. Before that it was April for Passover with husband’s family (mentioned only because the funeral week hardly counts as a fun trip to NY). That September, we lost the pregnancy and had already planned on being in California for the holidays since I assumed I would be hugely pregnant with twins. By December, I was pregnant again, and there was no traveling for this pregnancy given my incompetent issues! So, the mighty Q is now 3 months old and we decided it was high time for a visit.

I found out I like California. We had such a wonderful time seeing everybody. We were nuts, but it was great. And we saw life in NYC in its easiest possible incarnation (read: people who can afford to make it comfortable) and I left thinking, “you don’t have to live this way! I’ve been to the West coast!!” (I know! I know! I don’t have to live on a coast. Places like Chicago exist. But I feel it’s too late to complicate things even more…). No yards, crowded all the time, even a movie at an off time is guaranteed to have every seat filled just because of how many people live in NY. Even when I went to Brooklyn, where a friend has her own brownstone, with a yard, I was surprised by my reaction. She has the same square-footage as our house here in SF. I held my tongue when I called her from the Upper East Side and she said she’d see me in a hour. I used to live blocks from where she lives and I should have known it takes an hour by subway, but when you live in NY you start to think things are normal that are actually insane. Like taking an hour to meet someone for lunch. I exited her stop expecting to feel very nostalgic for my old digs, but instead noticed that it is packed in Brooklyn too. I remember sighing with relief when I got to Brooklyn when I last was a New Yorker because it was so mellow. I guess it is mellow compared to Manhattan, but compared to SF? Not so much.

Like all things like this, if we lived in New York again, we would make it work and it would be fine. When I moved back for grad school from Seattle, it was a tough transition, and when I left for California I was hooked on NY again. There is nothing like a beautiful fall day walking around NY. Nothing. Still, I when we walked into our home last night, and I opened the door to our back yard, I ushered the husband to our deck to smell how fragrant the air is here in the city of San Francisco. I am so relieved to be home, and glad to get away and appreciate it again. For months it was a bedrest prison, but now it is a happy and (literally) sunny place. I think I’ll stay a while.