Complicated Classes

My husband and I started baby classes. I decided that having no prep for labor (despite already having gone through labor, but insisting that the "normal" version must be wildly different from my experience) or parenting or breast feeding, and having done no research on these subjects since that would mean assuming that I was having a healthy baby, and that assumption would somehow mean that I would not have a healthy baby (not sure why), I decided to sign up for baby classes since I am a whopping 33 weeks along. Traumatized much?

I have to say, baby classes are turning out to be weird, and not because they don't give useful information, but because an unexpected side effect is coming up in all it's difficulty: twin grief. The first night of "Surviving the first Two Months," we were a little late. Our only seating option was next to the one couple having twins. They actually seemed like very nice people, and I wish I could have shown some more interest or acted friendlier, but instead, I was cringing during introductions where they smiled that smile that says "yes we're trying to be self deprecating, but we know we are unique and special." I may be projecting here because I remember feeling so special when I was pregnant with twins. It was a shock at first, but soon after it was great. By the time we lost the pregnancy, I couldn't have imagined being pregnant with just one baby. We were destined to have twins. We hadn't done fertility treatments, it just happened that way. It was meant to be….

Getting used to loosing our girls was devastating. Still, it is the layers of the loss that kill me. I still feeling pangs of sadness when I see twins on the street. We finally "browsed" for strollers yesterday, and I recalled being in the same store months earlier, pushing the boring singleton strollers aside as I examined all the double stroller options. The double strollers are still there, but this time it was those strollers I tried to ignore.

But why do the classes bring all this back? It's not just the obvious reason of the couple next to us. I noticed it the next night at our "Preparation for Labor” class (btw: I am completely freaked out by the birth videos we saw. Totally and completely FREAKED. But that's another story....) that I felt rumblings of complicated twin grief. We were all supposed to be “new” parents. During introductions, all the other couples spoke of their pregnancies as exciting, their biggest complaint being "feeling tired." We were the only ones who had to talk about bed rest, and the twins were not mentioned by either of us. I just felt so different from everyone else in the room, their experience so foreign to mine, and I couldn’t push away the sense (wish?) that we were supposed to be the twin parents. I hate having to answer that question, asked over and over again, "Is this your first?" I always say "um..yeah" because, who really wants to get into it, but also, who wants to deal with that reminder every time? It makes me sad, um yeah, it does.

Finally, I also think that the twins are coming up a lot more because last summer I was pregnant too. Every since the "overlap" I have memories of the same time last year, and how I felt, and how much being pregnant was part of everything I did. July 4th last year, that wedding where I barely fit into my bridesmaids dress this time last year, and on and on....

It is probably good that this is all surfacing as I prepare for my impending birth. I know enough about loss to know that giving birth to a new baby means grappling with my previous pregnancy and loss in some way. How could it not? But somehow I still manage to feel blindsided when the feelings come up. Maybe it's good to reconcile some of the grief as I prepare for this new life that, hopefully, will come safely into the world. And, despite this somewhat sad tone, I really truly am grateful to be where I am and so so looking forward to meeting my son, who, I am quite sure, I won’t ever be able to imagine not knowing.