A Comment About The Comments
I am a little irritated and annoyed. I write prior sentence in the spirit of full-disclosure before I write a post I am feeling obligated to write -- addressing my feelings about the mean person in my comments section. I am irritated I even have to deal with this. But I do because the comment from Jada Sanders gave me a feeling that isn’t going away. Although, I guess I do have to give her credit for leaving her name because the last time I posted about going back to work, I received similarly mean comment from an anonymous reader.
I was warned that people’s feelings about working and not working could get pret-ty prickly. Apparently, I underestimated the issue. I truly don’t think working moms have all the answers. Being a parent is a tough job. I could defend my reasons for working, explain my clearly misconstrued posts and even point to research that shows how working is not harmful, even beneficial. But I have a feeling that Ms. Sanders’ mind is made up on this subject. The generation ahead of us fought for the right to work, and now our generation is grappling with the results—results I am happy exist. I will not apologize for working, or for having questions about how to approach the issue.
My question is, why are we so hard on each other? (That was a rhetorical question. I am not actually interested in any more negative feedback on my blog, or interested in any more comments from JS.) I guess that is where the sting comes from. I hate it when women are mean to other women---especially when the charge is that we’re not womanly enough. I thought we were on the same team, yet I find time and time again, women end up the worst aggressors to each other.
Of course, I read that comment and felt hurt instead of angry. I hated the negative tone about “headlines,” as if childcare providers are abusers rather than the wonderful caring people that so many of them are. It just made me feel icky all over. Then I realized that this mean person has seen pictures of my child, and I honestly felt that this blog---this source of support for stressful situations---is potentially a place I don’t feel comfortable posting anymore because it won’t feel fun/supportive/safe.
Yup, JS’ comment packed a punch for me. Funny how it works that saying/writing hurtful ideas do actually hurt people. I wonder if JS teachs her 3 kids about judging others. She sounds like she has all the answers, so there must be no glass house for her.
I don’t have the answers. I’m doing what feels right for me and my family. That doesn’t mean it was an easy decision.
This blog was born out of a time of stress after a time of profound grief and it has mostly been such a great support—especially through bedrest. I have kept it up since Q’s birth in large part because of the support you all have given me. I’m hoping that this JS is a fluke and I can continue to ramble on about my life and get happy comments.
Oh. I am SO ANNOYED! I just checked the blog and JS wrote another comment! I really don’t have the time to defend myself. I am feeling very misunderstood, and I am not going to get into it. Like I said, I am irritated to have to deal with this in the first place. But since JS has been a regular reader, I am requesting that she not comment on this blog anymore. I can tell this lady thinks she really is truly trying to offer support, but I am not interested in the variety.
posted by KMW @ 9:39 PM
6 Comments:
I'm sorry they bummed you out, and I completely understand why, K, but I have to tell you those posts made me laugh. (I'm more used to this stuff on the internet though.)
If you ask me it is WAY more noble to go back to work than it is to stay home. You are doing something more for yourself and womankind, and the world by going back to work rather than staying home with one child. But some people won't listen to that. It is fine for people to disagree on this (or any point), you would just hope they could do it politely or respectfully.
I don't want to turn your comments into a flame war, so please delete this if it seems to be inciting fires.
big laughs, i mean it,
g ;)
I totally understand if you don't want to keep posting, this is supposed to be a place of friendship, commeraderie and support, not somewhere you feel vulnerable and judged. That said, I really hope you do keep it up because I am selfish and want to keep seeing and hearing about what is going on with you guys. You are a good writer, and SO often we are on the same wave length. No pressure but, keep it up, don't let the negativity get you down!
You don't know me, but I have followed your blog while I was home during the summer on bedrest with ic after losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks. I felt like you knew what I was going through and you were a few months ahead of me with your pregnancy. I cheered for you when you had your cerclage removed and cried when you had your baby. You gave me hope that everything would be okay with my pregnancy. Now I have a one month old daughter, and I still check your blog to see how Quinn is doing. I will be going back to work as well once my maternity leave is up, and I understand that it is such a difficult decision. I have no doubts that I will cry the first week that I leave my child in someone elses care, but it is something, unfortunately, that has to be done, both financially and for my sanity. Don't let someone elses opinion get to you. You have to make the decision that is right for you and your family. If staying at home is what is right for JS, then good for her.
Don't stress, thanks for all the support your blog has given me and probably tons more women out there that may have stumbled upon your blog like I did.
Andrea
Hi, My son was stillborn at 22 weeks due to an incompetent cervix on December 18th. While looking on the internet for information about what had happened, I came across your blog. I read it beginning to end in a single night, totally engrossed. I laughed out loud and I cried a little. Sorry if that is a bit trite, but its true! I just wanted you to know how important your blog is, and its really helped me think about the future in a positive way. I'm sorry if someone is being nasty to you for going back to work. How ridiculous!
I also think you should know that you are a very good writer! I'm serious. If you are considering writing up something about your bedrest experience for a magazine. I think it would be very well-received.
Thanks for your blog,
Jessica
I wanted to add stories similar to the others...
I was diagnosed with IC after loosing our first son in May at 17 weeks. I became pregnant again, cerclage placed, and we lost my second son in December after the cerclage failed at 16 weeks. And came across your blog by accident looking for more information on cerclages.
Please don't stop writing. You are such a great writer, and Quinn gives me hope! I read your blog when I am feeling down, and it helps me tremendously. You have a gift! There are some things that people feel strongly about...working/stay at home seems at times to be up there with the breastfeed/bottlefeed debate that frustrates me to no end. I believe that as long as the end result is the same...happy, healthy babies and well rounded children...who cares how we get there?
I just found your blog today and I feel compelled to comment.
I lost my son due to IC on February 1st, 2006. Now, as I am nearing the one year anniversary of his birth/death, we are planning to begin TTC again. The plan that my peri has laid out for me includes a cerclage, possible bedrest...you know the drill.
When I read the comments by this negative woman and your reaction it brought up a lot of different thoughts for me.
First of all, your blog no doubt has served you and others in a very positive way. It would be a shame if this woman, who doesn't seem to understand, were to take that away.
I worked for several years as a nanny. I consider myself to be a "supernanny" and would probably have continued to do this as a career if I didn't miss my career as a teacher so much. I realized while I was in my most recent position that I really needed to be around more people (I teach high school fine arts and humanities in a school that is in the "hood" and I feel that this work is a "calling" for me--it is rewarding in so many ways). I can tell you that I am not the only one out there who has cared for children as if they were my own. Those things she said about watching tv while your baby cries, leaving the diaper wet, etc. are just bogus. As a nanny I believe that in many ways I was more attentive and patient than the parents were. It was my JOB to be there for these children. Because of this I was able to give them my undivided attention. I found ways to discipline that reinforced their development, taught them coping skills, showed them that they are loved. I could go on and on (and I realize that this is a lot to write in the comments section, sorry about that).
I want to also say that I struggle with going back to work after I have a baby. It is far more complicated than that commenter makes it out to be. For us it is a financial issue as well as a personal issue and it is not easy to sort through all of the conflicting factors.
I'm not sure why some people are so negative like this. I think it has to do with insecurity. If she were totally secure with her decisions then she wouldn't need to attack other people who have made different choices than she has.
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