Having It All

Remember those commercials, I think they were in the late eighties, involving scene’s of attractive people living fantastic lives—sailing, running, smiling at their families. A voiceover in a very assuring male voice asks, “Who says you can’t have it all?” I think they were for American Express or something.

So…here I am having it all. Last night’s scene: Me still in my work “flats” and cashmere sweater, hair all over the place and determined expression on my face as I leaned towards the tub, food covered naked baby in arms. Naked baby decided to pee all over the expensive sweater before making it to the water. The husband was working late. Who says you can’t have it all?

Actually, working is turning out to be mostly good. I work Mondays, Tuesdays and every other Wednesday. Approximately 20 hours a week. I work at a medical clinic as a pediatric social worker, and while I am there, no joke, I go hours without even thinking about the baby. A reality I never thought possible. I am engaged, busy and hopefully, helpful. I also think I am not there enough to really serve the families I meet. I know the docs would like more hours from me, this work schedule was a compromise on their part. During my workday I think—mostly when I am telling a family that I can’t be reached until nearly a week after our meeting---“I need to work more hours to do this job properly.”

But then while racing home to see my guy for his dinner, bath and bedtime, I begin the process of mentally leaving work and I start to wonder if he’ll adequately remember me after not seeing me since 8am. And on the three-day weeks, of which I’ve only had one; I am a mess by the time I get home to see that guy. It feels like too long!

Despite my guilt (and if you haven’t figured it out by now, it is a sensation I torture myself with. Just look at this post! Guilty at work and guilty at home) and mind numbing exhaustion (which I am still deluding myself is brought on by “adjusting to the new schedule”), overall the pros outweigh the cons. I won’t get into them all, but it is turning out that I am more satisfied person having both an out of home life and a home life than just one or other. Even if it does seem like they both get the shaft in some ways. Still, I firmly believe that modeling happiness for myself is good for the baby. Plus, I am more satisfied in general, which must translate to him. There are cons though. When will I have time to blog?