Reality Bites

I knew I wasn't up for this blogging everyday stuff. Good thing I didn't sign up.

Here's my latest keep-me-up-at-night-with-you're-a-no-good-mommy-thoughts. At nearly 17 weeks, my multiple perinatologists like to tell me I am entering the "danger zone" for IC, and that I have to be very careful these next few weeks. In fact, they've been giving me a lot of guff in general about my activity level, "its fine for now, but everything is ultrasound to ultrasound." I hate that. Long story short, to deal with these issues, we've had to put Quinn in babysitting fulltime since being alone with him, for me, is not an option. It's an option for a little while, but inevitably he needs to be picked up and I can't do that. This is where I say “why do we live 3,000 miles away from helpful grandparents??”

Luckily, we have the most fabulous babysitter, who I know takes amazing care of Quinn. Thing is, she takes him away for babysitting. We're in a sharecare with another family. Our nanny has a sister who nannies, and a mom who nannies and all the kids get together everyday with their caretakers, mostly at this one house. Which is not our house. Why can't they all hang here? It's just difficult. Quinn is the new kid in this already established situation, and honestly, our dog is a menace and we're not totally childproofed or have the space that the other family has. Now, don't get me wrong. I love what this situation does for Quinn. He has learned so much from the other kids and this family our babysitter belongs too is fantastic. Really, he is getting so much more than I can provide for him right now (trips to the beach, the zoo, socialization, activity). So much more, except that he is not getting his mother!! And it breaks my heart. I think I am feeling this acutely since he was away all weekend, and yesterday he was so tired and jetlagged he probably would have benefited from a quiet day at home. But that's not in the cards right now. Yessir we are in a fulltime childcare situation and it is just not what I imagined for my kids.

The OB says that I am just going through now what every mom goes through when they have their second and can't be there for their first the way they were, "just a few months early". Plus she made a good point about how disrupting it is for the first child when the second comes along, and that if we have some things we can keep stable in his life (i.e. his friends and his babysitter) that’s good. And certainly, he seems happier than ever, gleefully waving good-bye when they leave for their day of excitement. His share-care friend is Audrey. While he can't say much, he often chants "aud-dey, aud-dey" out of nowhere. Finally, the point the husband makes is that he and our babysitter are primarily taking care of Quinn, its true, but I am taking care of the other one. Just inside the belly. He says, "if you couldn't do this because you were breastfeeding the new baby, you wouldn't feel nearly so bad. You are simply doing what you need to do to keep this one safe." All of these rationalizations make a lot of sense. They do. Unfortunately, they feel like cold comfort when I realize that I am only seeing my baby a few hours in the morning and in the evenings on week days.

I love high risk pregnancy.