Funnel Trouble

Damn that funnel. It decided to come back. It is a fairly minor funnel, and the ultrasound peri didn't seem overly concerned about it because I still have so much cervix left (cervix is still over 3.5 despite the funnel). But, it is a funnel and I am not too thrilled about it. So I decided to email my regular perinatologist after the sonogram, the one who holds to key to my bed rest allowances and overseas my medical care. She is a little nervous about this funnel. She had me come in and do some contraction monitoring today, and she wants me to have another sono before my appointment with her on Friday. I know this woman well enough to know that if it is worse, she’ll hospitalize. She is determined to get me to 34 weeks. I like that about her. But I am a mess lately--bed rest and high risk pregnancy are taking their toll. When the nurse monitoring my non-contractions (no contractions showed at monitoring) asked about the twins, I started crying. Weird. I usually can talk about that to strangers without bawling.

While I know I should be worried, and I am worried, I think the mind does protect you from massive breakdown by helping you focus on these other, less worrisome things. Like how much bed rest sucks. You can stop reading now if you are sick of seeing the same post over and over. Yessiree, I am simply writing another form of the famous “bed rest vent.”

See, I almost didn’t want to tell the peri about the funnel because I know it decreases my chances of any loosening of bed rest chains at 28 weeks, about a week and a half from now. Of course she was about the get the report herself, and would I really do anything like go off bed rest with a funnel? No! But why am I focused on the bed rest rather than the fact that my cervix is starting to open??

I was put down at 13 weeks. Had it been later in the pregnancy, maybe I’d be better about managing it now, I don't know. After almost 14 weeks on bed rest, my body is protesting!! I have these deep bruises in my hips from lying on them 24 hours a day. You can’t see them from the outside, but they are deep inside, and they burn. My shoulders are so stiff, my back hurts and I am sleeping poorly. There is no way to escape this discomfort. In fact, what I will do to my body for the next 6-7 weeks will just make these symptoms worse. Oddly, this is the hardest I have ever been on my body in my whole life. It is worse than the marathon. Resting. It does the body bad.

Yes, as I enter my third trimester, with new medical concerns and preterm labor risks, I have become someone who has decidedly hit the wall. And while now I sniffle at least once daily, (don’t you look at me wrong! Don’t you-- Great. Now I’m crying. See what you did?) I also do know that my life as a blob has a purpose. Each day is harder and harder, but I wish for it to last as long as it needs to so this little guy cooks until he is well done. It’s sort of hard to wish for it to end and to wish it lasts a lot longer at the same time. Ah well. A day in the life on the sidelines.