Guru Says Relax!

Guru came over Wednesday to do some safe stretching. I told her my new fear of giving birth and becoming parent, and then quickly added that thinking or saying it out loud is as far as I can go, but maybe in a few weeks I might be able to do some birth education. She's all "sure sure" but then, in our session, she starts sneakily giving me bits of information as if she is just spouting her usual guru noise. She utters a few tips here and there about calming myself with music, and how her clients find that the music they use to calm themselves while pregnant works after the baby is born on the baby. Hmm. She also manages to add a bit about the natural process of breathing into a contraction the same way we were practicing breathing into the pain of my aching hips. Uh. Okay.

After we are through, she bestows on me this "goal" of relaxation. She tells me to commit to a relaxation ritual 15 minutes a day, saying that she can really tell the difference between her clients who practice relaxation and those that don't, “It helps with everything, not just pregnancy.” She suggests meditating, breathing, or even lying in one of the gentle poses we do--whatever floats my boat.

As she is speaking this advice, I'm thinking, "I can't believe this bitch." She is trying to sneak in preparation for all this stuff, and she is giving me a task that will really help me if I do it, but I know I won't and then I will have to tell her I didn't and then I won't feel good about that. Furthermore, I begin to understand, with alarm, she is using all my own tricks on me that I use on other people when I am doing counseling or social work. She is helping me set goals, and giving me tools for said goals and I am, let's just say, feeling a wee bit resistant to being on the other side of the yoga mat, if you get my drift. I start thinking about all the people I meet at the hospital who have misconceptions or defenses against social workers, and suddenly, they all seem totally reasonable. Good ego strength is what they have. That’s what I say!

So the next day, yesterday, I have another full-on breakdown. Because there is this other shameful feeling about high risk pregnancy involving extreme lifestyle curtailment I encounter. For me it is the sentiment, visceral and bold, that I just want my life back! The one where I felt normal: not damaged, tragic...incompetent! The one where I go out to eat, enjoy a glass of wine, and am more than a bum cervix. Once that feeling of missing the old me comes up, I start to think. Oh shit. Most people go through pregnancy thinking that they are preparing for the big challenge. I’m thinking that the big challenge is over at birth. I keep on saying things like, "when this is over" as if that means that I don't have some other major life changing event that this whole thing is about! What stinks about these thoughts are that I then feel guilty, because I have spent the last year pregnant (save for the 2-3 short months in-between) to get to this goal of having a baby. How can I even remotely have ambivalence about it?

At this point I have gotten myself into such a tizzy. I am a failure at bedrest, how will I be a mom when I am having thoughts of bubble baths, long runs and sushi as events I would possibly sell my soul to the devil to have back in my life. I am about to start with the waterworks, and then I realize: Guru says relax. I approach the yoga mat, sit down and start my deep breathing. I do a pose or two, and well, yeah, that seems to have calmed me a bit. 11 minutes is all I have in me. It is...maybe 30% successful. As I am sitting there, my husband magically appears and I immediatly cry and blubber the whole thought process and receive some reassurance from him (i.e. I am doing such a great job, I will do such a great job, we will be happy, we will be active etc etc). I feel better from the relaxation or the husband--it's a toss up, but I do end up feeling better.

Still, maybe Guru has a small point, and I will try again today to practice relaxtion. Given how honestly I have just spewed my crazy bedrest mind, I can safely admit that maybe I do need a little, uh, intervention in the relaxation sphere. Isn't that ironic considering that's supposedly all I do?