My Cerclage, Take 2

Remember the birth of this blog? The very first My Cerclage post?? What fun getting that cerclage was. Wow. I wish I could do something like that again, because it was awesome! Oh, that's right. I did it again last week, and it sucked just as much as last time (Do you hear my sarcasm? Do you??) I hate the way doctor’s talk about preventive cerclages--they’re all “minor procedure” blah blah blah. I think I must be world's biggest wuss, because AGAIN, I felt all sorts of pain when they went to work. Even with my lower half numbed with a spinal anesthesia. Admittedly, it was a much more invasive procedure this time. They actually cut tissue and put the stitch way higher "half inside, half out." I have stitches in addition to The stitch. In any case, I do trust “Mr. Cerclage” (he called himself that!) and feel like his reputation as expert is well deserved, but STILL.

At our follow-up appointment after surgery, I expected him to be all "whatever you want" about my activity. This expectation was born from knowing my beloved Peri (who we still are seeing) from last time was so conservative, and from my denial, which I also love and think protects me very much from massive breakdown. So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself in a major negotiation with this guy about my work schedule, my work day and my general activity. The conversation came to an abrupt halt when he said, "Look, I don't want to see this baby in a plastic box when it’s born. The rest, to me, is background noise." What am I to say to that? I was all, "Um. Yes Sir. That makes sense to me, too. I'll do whatever we need to do to ensure that won't happen."

It is so much better than last time, I feel like I really can't complain. But it is so much worse than last week , I still find myself bitter. I love my walks with Quinn and I am dreading the conversation about my work schedule with my employers. But geez. At least I am talking about my work schedule rather than telling them I'm not working at all. What, really, do I have to complain about?

Denial

My name is KMW and I have a bum cervix. Saying it out loud is the first step, yes? I delude myself that my cervix issues are only in the world because of the twins--since multiples are so risky in general. The problem is the doctors keep on telling me otherwise. Seems my cervix is already on the "short side of normal" and that whatever part of it is on the outside of my anatomy is practically non-existent. So I met with a specialist who apparently has perfected a procedure that is more invasive than a regular cerclage, but should do the trick. Remember my last preventive cerclage and my useless stitches? I now understand that I hardly had any cervix them for them to get the stitches around in the first place, which is why they slipped so easily. This guy's version allows them to get "under my bladder" and put the stitch way up high. It is not quite as serious as doing a transabdominal cerclage (if you don't know what it is, I can't bother explaining, but you can read Sarah's blog to find out). He says that they'll have to continue to monitor and they won't do bedrest unless it is indicated, and while he did say I should have a short threshhold to stop work, he also said that I can plan on being back at my job the Monday after the surgery--which is next Wednesday.

ANYHOO, the hardest part about this stuff this time around is not worrying about all this cervix stuff(at least not so far), it's that they told me I cannot pick up Quinn. Ug. It breaks my heart (not to mention the bank since we're hiring the nanny full time now) when he lifts his arms to be picked up and looks at me with his big eyes. I get on the floor, give him a hug and say "Mommy can't lift you up now, but I can give you a big hug." He starts communicating in no uncertain terms that this floor hug is NOT what he meant.

Funny that I am posting regularly again now that I can talk about myself all the time. While I like my mommy posts, it did start as a pregnancy blog....

Version 2.0

I have a story and I hope you'll think it's a good one. A few months ago, right before leaving on our big East coast trip, I went for a run. We were leaving on a plane for Boston the next morning, where we would then drive up to Maine to my college roommate's wedding. During my run I felt awful. I said to the husband after returning home, "What the hell?! I am totally exhausted. I felt like shit on that run, and furthermore, I am running all the time and I am just feeling flabbier and flabbier. I felt better about myself 2 months ago when I was barely running at all!" And then, it was like something clicked in my head. My period had only graced me one time over the last year (breastfeeding is good for something!). That one menstrual cycle suddenly seemed like an awful long time ago and with a tingling sensation I announced to husband that I better pee on a stick ASAP.I happened to have a pregnancy test, but I had thrown out the box for some reason, and it was just one of those symbol kind. So the husband and I are looking at the results, and sure enough, there is decidedly a "plus" sign in the window. There was a lot of "That means pregnant, right? Wait. No. It can't be." We scurried to the internet. Yup. Pregnant. He said, "I don't know, it looks faint." A minute later we looked again. Bold. Not faint at all. It was practically lighting up it was so not faint.

How do I begin the to describe the next few months? I can start with my denial, "I am going to a wedding where I haven't seen people in nearly 12 years and I can't have a drink!?! Or look cute now that I am flabtastic?" I don't know about you, but my body responds to pregnancy by just letting go, it's like, "why bother? We both know where this is going so let's just get going." Then there was the excitement, "Oh my gosh! Another little munchkin!" And then came the fear, "I am NOT going on bedrest! I hate my cervix! How will this work?" And finally, the sickness. Let me tell you, the sickness has trumped everything. I mean throwing up several times a day, barely functioning exhaustion and overall just trying to get by. It seems that the sickness is finally diminishing, and now we are dealing with the reality of our situation (cervix specialist, cerclage, no lifting little Quinn and hopefully no bedrest, but we'll see).

I promise for more of an update on the pregnancy stuff, but I figure I should just get this out. I am sorry not to announce earlier, but the superstition about miscarriage and the unbelievable debilitating illness took over my life. We are thrilled, of course, of course. If all goes well, we're talking about a 20 month spread between siblings. Easy peasy, right??