My Cerclage

In September 2005, I was pregnant with twin girls. I lost my pregnancy at 19 weeks apparently due to my "incompetent cervix." I became pregnant again and wrote all about it on this blog. I now have a wonderful son. Since bed rest, anxiety and cerclage were so much fun, I've decided to do it all again.....

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I thought I had kicked the habit of my "light" reading. But then I was out to dinner with a group of people--adults. The group included a very well-educated acquaintance, someone with two Ivy league degrees under her belt. We both admitted our addiction to the TV series True Blood. And then suddenly, and with no shame whatsoever, she started singing the praises of the teen loved Twilight book series. Because I have an ah, tendency, to be susceptible to this kind of book, I found myself very interested. I loved her lack of embarrassment because in addition to the diplomas, she happens to be very smart and normal and fun. This is something that if I did, I certainly wouldn't chat about it out loud to a group of like-minded adults. This kind of reading is my dirty little secret. It was sort of a breath of fresh air. And, btw, it really isn't that often, I blog about it every time I find myself in the trashy world of non-lit lit. I won't go far as list my current reading up to this point, but suffice to say, Oprah would approve.

Anyway, I bought Twilight (was told by the clerk that free movie-poster was included!) and I read it really, really fast. On Sunday we had a friend over for dinner who I dropped off at her apartment after we ate. I didn't get on the highway to go home because I hoped I would find a bookstore (10pm on a Sunday??) that was open so I could buy the second book. I have watched the movie trailer and admit that whoever that guy is, he is H.o.T. He's probably like, 19 or something. Bad behavior for a 35 year old? I don't give a shit. These books are totally addictive. And they are totally addictive because they are freakin' romantic. I am such a girl.

Vampires are hot.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Hiya! How you Doin'?

I told you Facebook would take over my life.

Very good friends of ours recently had twins, a boy and a girl. And all of you 2 or 3 readers should know by now about our big loss our first go around. The twins.

Anyway, when we went to see these new little buggers and their parents in the hospital, the husband noted that it was sort of hard for him. I rushed in with how much we love our current children, who would never be if the pregnancy loss hadn't happened. He pointed out, quite correctly, that it's more of a unexpected reaction--like PTSD. It's complicated. We love our family (whose the shrink in this relationship?), yet these reactions happen sometimes.

I thought it was interesting that I had actually not had a hard time with our friends’ situation. After all, this friend, who has a 4-year-old boy, lost a pregnancy at 23 weeks in-between her 4 year old and these little ones. She lost a baby girl, and merely a few months later we delivered, safely and happily, baby O. I remember when she lost her pregnancy; one of things she said was that she felt she lost her chance at "her girl". I thought of that when baby O was born. Our friend and husband dutifully came over and saw baby O. They gave us gifts. They made us food. They acted happy for us, and I think they were. Yet I know it couldn’t have been easy. Really, I never begrudged this friend her twins.

I ran into them at the doctor's office where I work and where their pediatrician works. They told a story about their parents of twins group and how all the parents were feeling so special because they had twins. And I remembered that. At least that extra special pregnancy feeling because we had 2 in there. And it stung a little. Funny that the story was actually to criticize the people in their parents group since they love their son, and already feel that having a child at all is special enough.But whatever. I had the reaction.

Still, I don’t envy their life right now. I don't relish those sleepless nights--brutal nights combined with a feeling like there is no end in site. I don't wish for their situation. And I have to say; the twin thing in this city is a little out of control. One friend refers to her neighborhood as "clomid nation". There are multiples everywhere. It’s not so unique these days—that’s right, I have to make it sort of lame to have twins in order to feel better about myself. Will I be totally healed when I don’t do that? I’ll admit that when my snarky “Clomid nation” friend said that, I said, "totally!" But if you happen to be a parent of twins, please know I am just jealous.

So...I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that I once again had an opportunity to say "hi!!" to our loss. I know better than to be surprised, but somehow I always am. The silver lining is that it also gives me an opportunity to say “hi!” to how lucky we are. And we are. Dare I say it, but with baby O nearly 10 months old and Mr. Q going on 2 1/2 , life feels almost manageable. More than manageable. Happy, happy!