Hallelujah

The doctor says I am allowed "two outings a week." I am soooo so so sooooo so soooo excited. I am making my husband take me to dinner tonight! I can't believe I will get to interact with people in the outside world! I hope I am not some creepy overfriendly desperate looking woman grinning stupidly at strangers just because I am so happy they exist if only to prove to me I am not at home. Yay!

My next thought is that I wonder if I'll ever be able to really enjoy this pregnancy. I was on the phone with a friend who is about a month ahead of me with her first pregnancy. She made jokes about "eating for two" and talked about how she loved being pregnant and loved walking around and loved rubbing and talking to her belly. I felt like, yeah, I remember that. But, now, I guess we just know too much about what can go wrong. My husband and I have a very "week by week" take on things, and qualify every statement about the future with a "if this works out" type phrase. I feel like the thrill is gone, it’s a means to an end. That said, I am totally attached and would be devastated beyond belief if we lost this pregnancy. So what good does all of the qualifications and knowing all the bad things do anyway? Nothing good, I’m sure. I wish I could just rub the belly and feel joy like my friend. Oh well. We'll have to save our big joy for the back end and continue to hold our breath for now.

This is my life and I am fine with it

I am really starting to feel better, even though nothing has changed. I found out that since my daily bleeding is always sort of rusty "old blood" no one is very concerned about it. I spoke with a nurse today who said that it is common to have blood from when they put in the stitches that needs to come out. And since I received two stitches and therefore got twice the procedure, there might be a bit more up there. Still, they always have a lot of questions about "what kind of blood" and clearly new bright red blood is not a good thing. I would like no blood at all. Every morning when I am up and about a bit, taking a shower, brushing teeth and generally being on my feet for 20 to 30 minutes, I get this little bit of spotting. I guess its gravity doing its job. Maybe I should cheat and just be on my feet until the blood is gone! I mean, right now, when I bleed, I am supposed to sit down immediately. How will I ever get up if I stop this process? I don't know though. I'm not really a cheater. The good news: I am feeling more able to manage the day on bedrest, and I just have to think this cannot last forever.

Poor Sport

I am sick of myself for complaining about this so much. Here I am pregnant again after a devastating loss in September, 2005. Many women go through high risk pregnancies, and many, many have it much worse than me. I mean, I have prognosis that says I will be up and around, at least minimally, at some point. I have friends who are struggling with all sorts of issues, infertility being a big one that we haven't suffered. There are people whose bedrest is waaay more constricted. I know we haven't had things easy in terms of this stuff. No, I would never wish what we went through with losing the girls on anyone, but, you know, all and all we should have a baby at the end of this.

After our loss I just kept on saying "if only I could get pregnant again" as if that would somehow solve our problems. Of course, it doesn't. We still are grieving our girls, and goddamn it, I am not being graceful about the sit-on-yer-butt-all-day thing!! My point is that you would think I would be grateful for this pregnancy (I am! I swear!) And that knowing that 6 months of a lifestyle change is a small, time limited price to pay for having a healthy baby. But, after ONE DAY of feeling better, I was in tears again last night. I get through the day alright. But then evening comes, and it is a like a whole day again until bedtime. At that point, my butt is sore and my mood is black.

I woke up today with new energy, and what do you know, I had a little spotting again. The spotting is also upsetting because not only does it mean a few more days until I can possibly do anything, but it is also kind of worrisome for me. My doc said I could have another week of it, and she wasn’t concerned, but try losing a pregnancy at nearly half way through and then bleed everyday for a few weeks AFTER getting through the first trimester. It's a little anxiety provoking. So now I sit on my butt, worry, get bored, worry and act like a grump. I am even sick of myself!

Good News

We had a very positive follow-up marking our first week after surgery! The ultrasound shows that the stitches look good, and my cervix is a whopping 3.8 centimeters long! This is great, but I am only 14 weeks pregnant, so the danger period is yet to come. Baby looks good, growing strong. Damn. I am attached now. I don't know how we would bear another loss at this stage. How can I not be attached with all these ultrasounds showing the little thing moving around?

It's amazing how rejuvenating that one positive doctor's visit is for me. The blue sky! The outdoors!There are all these people in the world just...LIVING. The only negative part of any of this is that I am still on pretty strict bedrest until my once-a-day-that-you-can-barely-see-at-all spotting is completely gone. HOWEVER, once I go two full days without this daily annoyance, I am allowed on some "excursions" to, perhaps, a restaurant! Or, a movie!! Or, maybe even a friend’s house. My doc has a conservative reputation, but after losing the twins, we'll do what she wants us to do. I am happy to report that without too much of an alteration in my daily activity (I can also sit up!) I feel soooo much better. Next cervical check is at 16 weeks.

Bedrest Blues

I am very bad at bedrest. I don't like lying down all day, and then trying to go to sleep after lying down all day. It is more than a bit depressing. Tomorrow we have our follow-up ultrasound and doctor's appointment since the big procedure, and I am nervous and also anxiously awaiting to hear that everything looks great so I can get off my ass! I just don't have a good personality for bedrest. I usually am very active, coping with stress by taking a walk, going for a run, a yoga class, whatever. Now I am stressed and my coping mechanisms are unavailable since I can't even go for a walk around the block! Unfortunately, my perinatologist has taken me out of work for the remainder of the pregnancy. I work in a hospital and am on my feet a lot, I don't have the kind of job that allows me to sit down most of the day. But please, will I be able to go outside? Have a picnic? I think if I were towards the end of pregnancy, this wouldn't feel so hard. But every time I get discouraged, I think, wow, another 6 months to go! It seems too long to imagine. Still, my prognosis for some more activity is good, so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Coughing

So this nasty cough is really putting a damper on my mood. My doctor called in some cough syrup with codeine so I could sleep, but I still woke up through the night coughing. Ug! Sometimes when I cough I can feel it in the abdomen, and then I really freak that stitches are broken and the cervix is wide open to the world! In my calmer moments, I realize that this is probably totally untrue and maybe even impossible at my mere 13 weeks of pregnancy. That's how my mind works. Fun, huh?

My Cerclage

A few days ago, I endured my cerclage. This is a procedure I am electing to do to ensure that my pregnancy goes full-term without another loss. For those who don't know, a cerclage is a surgery of sorts where they sew your cervix shut tight leaving the stitch in for the majority of the pregnancy. They supposedly take the stitch out at 36 weeks so you can then labor naturally.

My husband and I went into the hospital at 13 weeks on Feb 16th for our magical stitch and it sort of sucked. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but I think my denial made me decide that it was no biggy, something tons of women in my situation do, and once it was over, a BIG milestone is met and good-bye to the hospital until delivery. I think I kept on hoping it was just a quick "procedure". When it was finally time to walk into the OR, I was surprised by how manydoctors and nurses were in the freezing room with their masks and their shower cap like head gear. This seemed a little more surgery-like than the "procedure" I imagined, or had convinced myself I was having. I was in my little hospital gown and striped socks trying to act all brave as they sat me on the table and attempted to give me my spinal anesthesia. That appeared to take forever, but once it was over, they were all business, getting my legs in stirrups as my lower body said hello to the world. The anesthesia resident kept asking me if I could feel my legs, and I kept on saying that I could. I said it at least 5 times with growing alarm each time, "I can still feel them!" At some point, I guess they were satisfied that I couldn't feel much because it seemed like my peri and her team went to town, and I SWEAR I could feel way more that I should have. But, maybe I am wrong. Maybe that's just how these things go and other people manage the horrible pain of people poking holes into their cervix more easily! God knows I would hate to have felt this without the anesthesia at all. My doctor ended up putting two stitches in, saying my cervix looked "a little soft." Finally, it was done and they whisked me to the recovery room, where I immediately felt aching horrible pain like people had been rummaging around my insides...hey wait a minute! The HAD been rummaging around my insides. My husband, brother and sister-in law (the West Coast family) were all there looking concerned, and again, I put on my brave face. But these people know me too well, and they helped me to tell the nurse that I needed something for the pain. A vicadent or two later, and I was feeling fine.

Overnight in the hospital, minimal bleeding and not too much cramping and here I am at home on day 3 of strict bedrest. The first day was HORRIBLE. We got home, and since I couldn't go upstairs to take a shower until bedtime (limited stair climbing means only when its time to sleep) I sat with my iodine covered body and gross hospital smell, writhing around on the sofa trying to get comfortable without sitting up. I was wondering how I am going to get through this high risk pregnancy after our loss only a few short months ago. What if something goes wrong? How would I handle it after the devastation of losing our girls? How can I mange the next 6 months? After a few tears of frustration, and a very understanding husband, I got through the day. Day two was much better. Clean sheets, a shower and a good night sleep helped me to realize that this isn't so terrible, and hopefully my bedrest will get less strict as time goes on. Right? Maybe?

Day 3 today and the only thing that is bothering me is the cough I developed since leaving the hospital. Is it affecting my stitches? I called L&D and they said not to worry, just take some cough syrup, but I emailed my doc too and am waiting to hear her response. No bleeding and hardly any cramping. Our follow-up ultrasound and appointment is Thursday. Let's hope it all goes well.